Tuesday, February 24, 2009

My hair is falling out for the last time. Volleyball weekend

That's my Girl...
Monday is better...I am losing my hair for the last time. Some are growing back. My youngest told me and my Mom that he dreamed about me and my hair came back more beautiful than ever..He is so sincere. I know they want things back to normal..I am trying and almost feel well enough to make it happen. I can do almost everything. I am sure my white count is gonna go up any minute now. I am going to ask Faby for a deep tissue massage so I can really get the toxins out.

Hey I have not itched one time today.....I just realized that.

I went to a shamanic thing Friday. I had my chakras cleared out. My creative channel was blocked and I had some part of me asleep a long time and its just starting to wake up. She told me I was surrounded by all these frigging angels....hundreds of them....She is a Dr. of something I have to look up, but she was a professional lady and those were her exact words..I had to laugh..then I realized you all are those Angels I am surrounded by. All the prayers...All the Energy, all the Angels. I had my Feet done too thanks to a great friend.....that was the best part of my week.

I took Tyler to a all day tournament Sunday. I itched most of the time and then decided I need a benadryl. I had none....I took a atarax, similar to benadryl but I got real tired. well I wonder if it worked so well it stopped all the histamines? I hope so. I think I was itchy waiting for Dave to show up...he never did. His loss...Tyler played like Dynamite....great blocks and brilliant serves..even got a few pokes in on the money...

DO I have to shave my head to get the hair to grow back properly? Anyone been here done this?
I love my kids you know!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Thursday the Great

You are important

You make a difference

You are a light

and to someone.....

You are the reason.....they can go on....

they can do this...

they can..........

I don't like to talk about myself all the time.
I wrote this so you could be close to me

even if you can't.
And I did it for your friend...or your friend's friend...Your Aunt or your cousin......for the "ME"'s who gets the call from a pathologist...
In a perfect world I would never have to help anyone through this... there would be no Cancer.
But I can and I will be the one to say..."twenty ....thiry...fourty......years ago.....This is how I got through and you can too.
So That's why I write here and that's why I am glad you come by and read...[I know there are more than 8 of you that pass by (as the "Followers")] and look at the pictures...even the ones that were hard to face.......My cousin, who is on the opposite side of the country in Seattle has been here. My other cousin reads here too from Indiana......I love seeing their comments or even just seeing their nickname. One of them challenged me to see if I could figure out it was her...I did in about a nanosecond...

I slept a really long time today so I had energy to get out of the house.
I felt a sense of urgency yesterday to go to the ocean. I always feel better at the beach. Maybe it's the secondhand SMOKE that blows by from behind the pier but mostly it's the water, something about the water...it always heals, cleanses, comforts. BUT today, today the water relaxed and cleansed not only because of the clean salt and minerals but because it was So Frigging cold that there is no toxin great or small, that could withstand the frigid washing of the turquoise wonderland. The only thing really missing was an iceberg. OK I am a Miami girl and I am a sun person, warmth is endearing to me. But I needed the salt water in an urgent kinda way....so In I went....Once I got in it was tolerable....but it took a few minutes to inch in. ...and the noise you make when the waves hit your bare skin, it like a ...well the noise that come out of your mouth is a laugh and a pain all mixed in one with a dash of 'OH that Felt Good'. When your all by yourself....,Tyler was up on the warm sand (the apple doesn't fall far)....and those noises spontaneously and uncontrollably come out of your mouth, the German tourists move a little farther down to get in the water. HA ha.

The only real odd thing that happened there was the idiot who got so excited to see his first set of titties on a topless brazilian that he had to stop and take a pictures but he wasn't man enough to just take a picture.. he had to pretend to be photographing the "landscape" and then quick cop a shot when no one was looking. LOser. Geezzzzzz. OK the Brazilian girls looked as hot as the water was cold...but for real ...had he never seen a set of good implants before today...? LOL I got his picture talking their picture...you gotta love that.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Coffee and a Hug

Miami Metro Zoo Amazon exhibit Hummingbird
Ok I promised a story SO ... Here it is......

I went to Publix at 7:15am., because its hard to sleep longer than 11 hours so I got up. I sat in the parking lot with a sour feeling in my stomach and decided I needed to go home for a minute....I am not in a good mood because I feel like crap......I am nauseous...I look like crap......trust me I do........So I go home and get a shower and get dressed again...everyone is asleep or not home. I want to make breakfast for the boys so I go back to publix to get the bacon...and eggs more eggs, I am sure there is not enough.....and OJ cuz I forgot it last time....and what else.....you get the point?....My brain is on the blink....I am grumpy still.....
But I go in and get the stuff. It takes me close to an hour to get 10 items. By the time I get home, Brett is awake and whatever, he ate. No one ever cooks breakfast and for some reason out of the blue, someone else makes it.....must have been malnutrition. So I put the groceries away and pissed off I go to get a coffee.
It's Monday and most people have the day off. so its still too early for a crowd but there are a few folks sitting at the sidewalk tables among the tiny birds begging for a crumb or two. I notice 2 gentlemen sitting discussing business over coffee, one obviously has the day off, the other is casually going in. I stroll past and go in the door to order. The TV is on and they are talking about the wonderful people that we lost in the resent plane crash over Buffalo.
Crew members:
— Capt. Marvin Renslow, pilot, of Lutz, Fla.
Rebecca Shaw, first officer, of Maple Valley, Wash.
— Matilda Quintero, flight attendant, of Woodbridge, N.J.
— Donna Prisco, flight attendant.
— Capt. Joseph Zuffoletto, off-duty crew member, of Newark, N.J., and Jamestown, N.Y.
— Mary Abraham, of West Seneca, N.Y. Trained people to use medical equipment made by Invacare Corp.
— David Borner, of Pendleton, N.Y. Worked for Kraft Foods.
— Linda Davidson, of Westfield, N.Y., nurse at Westfield Memorial Hospital and Ronald Davidson's wife.
— Ronald Davidson, of Westfield, N.Y. Worked at an adult group home and was Linda Davidson's husband.
— Alison Des Forges, of Buffalo, one of the world's leading experts on the genocide in Rwanda.
— Beverly Eckert, of Stamford, Conn., whose husband died in the World Trade Center attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.
— John Fiore, of Grand Island, N.Y., recently retired from the Air Force.
— Ron Gonzalez, of New Brunswick, N.J., director of a youth services program.
— Brad S. Green Sr., of East Amherst, N.Y., salesman for Kraft Foods.
It made me sad to think of these people just GONE.
They all impacted someones life in some way and now they are gone...who knows what kind of information Alison took with her and no one will ever know. What will happen to her research now. Will anyone find out whats really going on there? And now who will make sure the scholarships get to the right persons. Where is the money kept. Did she have a second signature on the account...all these thoughts are running a muck in my head....I hear someone say something to me but I am starring at the TV.....fine how are you I reply without even making eye contact...that's a reflex reaction huh! I catch my insincere reply and make eye contact with the guy from the table out front who is looking very caringly, directly at me. He said he was fine..then Looked me straight in the eye and said "But Really, HOW are YOU DOING? I caught up to him now in thought and said "OH...Oh I am great and getting better everyday...Thanks" His reply was "That is what matters the most, I did it for a year and I know its not easy but its....."I interrupted....."its DONE". He said "great to hear, I am done too, they gave me 4 months to live and that was Ten Years Ago" . "OMG That's great" I said as tears filled my dry bloodshot eyes. "Can I hug you" I asked as emotions took over my grumpy butt mood and turned it into a uncontrollable Smile. "Yes you may" he replied..as he held out his arms. GEEZZ I am hugging a stranger which never would have made sense 6 months prior but today there was not even a thought of hesitation. He knows what he did for me today was the greatest gift he could have given anyone. Its just an obligation and at any given moment we can impact someone the same way if we knew what was going on in their life...Its just obvious what with my bald round face and all that he knew he could connect. I backed up and gave him his space but I was still all in his zone with my radiating perm-a-grin....he was so sweet, he knew I was teary eyed but in a good way but he wanted to make it light..so he told me his Wife still thinks he is a pain in the ass...to which I replied.."she should be glad she has a pain in the ass still...." We both laughed and he got his coffee and ran out to work. I sat down and fed the birds.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

the week of the last chemo

This week was not too bad but I couldn't write...My Birthday and Valentines day were sleepy......Tyler was out of town...My mom and Dad are sick with the cold going around and I couldn't see them...Rick was out of Town and I slept a lot..Brett and I watched every Movie Chris and Jeannette have in their collection ...and that is a lot......

I did go grocery shopping but a little each day....Insurance companies....supplemental........are so full of paper work it makes you want to give up.........I have worked so hard to get them all the forms and bills and Doctors info and they blow me off and want one more form.....so they don;t have to pay I guess........I am sick about it and fed up and BROKE and can't even get another prescription filled unless I give up a dinner or two so forget it....I can live with the sore throat.....gotta feed the kids.......

I get grumpy this week remember...

then I get ugly......I mean ugly looking......everything swells and I look like I am filled with helium...too bad I can't float.....my skin looks like like I don't know...I feel like a zombie....in the zone ozone.

I got a great story AGAIN...but I will type it when I have energy and a better attitude because it is a Great story .....of a stranger..........not a weird one in Kmart..........but just as good a story non-the-less.........

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

tuesday at Sylvester

we done

Tuesday I had the last chemo....

had anxiety all night.....I thought I had a stomache virus.....I will catch up with last week and the weekend but this is more importatn and fresh..
It was uneventful this time thought. Nothing went wrong today.....I am really tired....My WBC count is 4 but my absolute Nuetrophil count is 1288 so less than one......it should be 10 so I guess thATS WHY i AM TIRED.
Let me get a nap and I will continue....I love all the messages and txts I get and the fact that you remember the dates I go...it means a lot.
I will be back

Thursday, February 5, 2009


Monday I am back to normal......got up at 5:30am......

made lunches for the kids....washed clothes...dishwasher....more clothes............so let me tell you what happened Friday at Kmart.....

I started to clean the house and realized I have nothing to sweep with clean with, wash with, sanitize with, mop with,, etcertera etcetera etcetera, so off I go in my plain dress and slides.

I am shopping with my coupons and frugally looking for the best deal while still paying attention to whats going on around me. This guy is coming down the isle towards me and smiling. He is 5'11" maybe buff blond blue eyed and probably 30 something. I move a bit so he can go by and he says "excuse me sweetie" with a bit of a southern accent. I said no problem and he passed and went to the isle 5o feet away with. I still could see him out of the corner of my eye and I just started looking for the dish soap I had the coupon for. Then he came back towards me...nothing in his hands.....and said "one more time excuse me" so I moved a bit again so my broom handle wasn't in the way and he passed. OK this is where I start to wonder....He makes a u turn at the end of the isle...20 feet away....and comes back towards me...OK I am in a grey dress nothing sexy at all.....I got a Black checkered hat on and my alopecia cover head is showing out the back of my hat...You can tell I am having chemo and I think sometimes people smile at me to try and make themselves more comfortable with MY situation. So I always smile back to make them comfortable and let them know I am doing great. OK here he comes and I thought he forgot something. So I say " one more time again?" WELLL! .......let me tell you I was floored at his next statement....HE says.....to ME......"Your gonna think this is strange but I think you are real cute..." (ok can I just tell You I hate to be called cute...baby ducks are cute..babies are cute...so now I hate him and no matter what he says..it will be wrong.....but this is way wrong....) he continues with.."Do you mind if I watch you shop for a while?"...Shoooot me know.....all I could say is "YES....Your right....That did sound strange" ...........I walked towards the front of the isle where I knew more people would be. He said"if you not ok with that Just tell me to move on and I will."I kept walking and he asked me "So that's a Move on?" I nodded and said uh yeaaaa that would be a move on....So he looked sad and WHAT THE FUCK was he gonna watch? someone tell me...is that what foreplay is in Pensacola or Georgia? GEEZ....only me that would happen to...only me. Ha makes about as much sense at this graphic problem....algebra 2...


MOTHER and Daughter
Sunday was a busy day...I am fine and decided the bubble was gonna burst. Tyler and I went to the grocery store. We had a blast.........but spent a bit too much even with coupons....She is expensive.

Nothing hurts today but I still itch and carried a frozen turkey around so I could hold it on my belly to keep it from itching. no one knew!
Kyle had a lesson on the half pipe and we BBQ d and watched the superbowl....GREAAAAAT Game...Go Steelers


Sat. is a big blank..someone remind me what I did.......@sharkwool

Oh I washed my car? I think and drank a beer....not in that order......Dr. said it was ok but not the whole six pack. He said I could wash my car too if I had help...so I hired some guys to help. SO I DID...

My hair is still falling out and growing back ay the same time....Its lighter but on the back where I can't see... it looks dumb! and I itch but not too much....

friday the 30th.

This is a carved Canoe at the Zoo. I love this shot
Friday... I feel like I am getting cold. My most trusted aadvisor told me I overdid it yesterday and I needed to drink and sleep....so I did last night and I feel great now! I drank 2 liters of water and wow....Than you PD.....

The bottom of my feet hurt from the Taxatere by the way. IT is a weird pain... it feels like both my feet bottoms are badly bruised. I think that must be why the nurses at the Chemo unit want to ice my hands and feet during the Taxatere. The doc doesn't think it helps so he didnt order it. I will ice one foot and not the other and see what works. You take me outta the lab but you can't stop me from research! LOL

It is already a week later. I am having trouble catching up here and I have lost track of what happened what day. I had coffee Friday night I think and got a buzz from it.

My white count musst be seriously low. I am still stuck in my bubble. I wash my hands every hour and carry the lotion around for the itch. yes I still itch.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Thursday-The week in a glance

I am sorry for the delay...I have been depressed and tired and insecure and whiny and blah blah blah...today I got in the freezer at Publix cause the itch came back...Tyler suggested that so I get in it...A lady passed me an laughed so I told her I was having a hot flash. I thought she'd a peed her jeans she laughed so hard....Publix is fun with Tyler. She made me get out of bed and take her to the zoo Thursday. The kids had early release from school.so off we went. as bad as I felt and looked, I did it and you know what....I felt better as every second went by.. How could I not. I will show you why. BUt I do need to to say that as bad as you feel after the treatments, the fatigue, the aches, the mood swings.. they are all tolerable and if you know someone or you are going through this, please know that it will be better.....it is tolerable.......You/they can do it. Keep doing the things you love because you have the time now to do it. Later you will be back to the grind....back to the "NORM". Rest if you have to. sleep all day sometimes....go for a drive alone if need be.....yell at someone you don't know in the privacy of your tinted windows. It will get better tomorrow. and worse the next day and better than better that weekend!

I got a great story next time I get on. This could only happen to me....but look at these first.

I slept Tuesday and Wednesday. I felt like poop! I guess that was good but boring. I have my sister-in-law whispering in my ear stay home away from crowds, away from germs, wash your hands. I listened for once cause I know she and Rick are smart and right this TIME. I love them.

Kelsey is Tyler best friend. Buddies since they were 3. Her mom is the best and has gotten me through so much in the 12 years we have been friends.

Bridget is their friend. We have known and loved her since they were in 3rd grade. 7 years.

Asa....Asa is Tyler's BOYfriend! He as sweet as they come and funny and fun and cute and happy and curious and adventurous and oh geez need I say more?

Here we are at the Zoo. OMG I Met Ron Magill...highlight of the year 2009! He was photographing a squirrel of all things.....HA world renown photographer shoots squirrel...film at 11. I think I love him!