Saturday, December 20, 2008

Where am I Wednesday

Ohh I went to the shrink yesterday. My Dr. thought it might be good becasue I took xanax when they told me what the biopsy report read. HHMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm What the F&#* does she think peoples reaction to that type of report will trigger? A orgasm? A overwhelming sense of Joy? Hellooooo. Ok I agreed to go when I was under the influence of the Atavan cocktail they gave me at the first chemo.

She was a nice lady, the Dr. was. SHe asked a lot of questions that sounded like they caame from a book. Like she was comparing my answers to the last bazillion people that have come in. I was answering them and then going off in another direction and then a struggled to remember the origional question and then I would slide back , like I was never lost, as soon as I could recall what she really wanted to know. I was in robot mode my head still throbbed. It was a struggle to get up to the university and then a bigger struggle to walk the LOOONNNNNNGgggg hall way down past the infectious disease door and the storage lab, roundingthe corner past the sterilized soiled laundry....what the heck does that mean????? I found the door in the basement like hallway to nowhere.. So ....I rambled and told her I don't abut things. I bottle them. I store them. I hope they will go away., but I know they won't. But I am always happy and this is not me. I am bubbly and healthy and full of life. I am a mess right now.

She said I have not changed. I am still that way...This won't change me. She can see right through the pain. I liked to hear that and I let her in. I told everything I was thinking feeling and what I have been doing the past 6 years. She is just a Dr. and not a friend. She want s to see me again and doesn't think I need meds. I wanted to hug her when I left but then she is not a friend. She is the Dr. Oh did I say I really Like yoga. if yoga were a girlfriend I'd hug her.